Friday, January 09, 2004
Societal mores or The Death of Civility
Tonight I was at my counseling seminar, close to the last (only three more to go!,) and had a thought that plugged into what we were talking about. Many people today blame excessively, take little responsibility, and have little motivation for anyone but themselves. You know who I'm talking about, and you probably know some that are like this. Hopefully, gentle reader, you are not one of them. But put on your seatbelts, this is a rant.
I recalled a time when society, morality, the law, the government and the church were all in synch. It wasn't very long ago, and since I was born in the 50s, my childhood recollections are a bit dim personally, but I have been a student of history and love old movies, so though I am not professionally qualified, this is the internet and I can say anything I want. Whoa, sorry.
Think back to when everybody in your class at school strived to exceed, because if they slacked or joked in class, there was the principal's office, and then your parents to face. Were we all the same back then? Read on. Movies of the day had to contain a moral ending, or it couldn't be put in the theatres. Wrongdoing was punished, always. There was a celebration of marriage as being something you did before sex. And it was with one of the opposite sex. Respect was held for the policeman on the beat, the corner grocery man, the mailman, the milkman, and the banker. We knew they were not better than us, but they had positions of respect, in fact, all adults commanded that respect. That's why we were able to stay out all day, play in the woods, go to the store to buy penny candy, and not have to worry about evil people in the woods, food that wasn't good for you, and if you did something wrong, you paid for it, one way or another. That was accountability.
It is so important to realize how all these value systems co-existed as one, and that we were raised on good things that were reinforced in every thing we did, every person we met. Contrast this with today.
Society's morals include movies that are shown to children with language that would have gotten out mouths washed out with soap (now a liability for child abuse,) scenes of people "without their clothes on," and a celebration of people who don't ply the straight and narrow, and get away with crimes of all sorts. TV reinforces this, magazines talk about subjects that were only whispered in the bedroom of a married couple 50 years ago, and teachers are impotent to have any power of authority when parents justify their kids' bad behavior. Remember "in loco parentis," in place of the parent? The only similarity between this phrase, which had been what teachers were charged with a long time ago, and now is that teachers are sometimes called upon to watch the kids, or keep them in a place for six hours before day care picks them up.
There is much that has changed in the American life style, you might argue. Two working parents for the American dream, but isn't part of the dream your kids? And how much can two working parents spend with their kids. The jobs are more strenuous, more to do in less time, and, oh there are so many stories in the Naked City. And it is a slippery slope, my friends, when broadcast TV can now say the things that could only be allowed in R-rated moves just 20 years ago. Is viewing trash next, the visual equivalent of those seven words you couldn't (at one time) say on television? Why is the divorce rate so high? Here's one suggestion: we haven't had a good role model for marriage from our parents, or parent as it may be. So we don't know how to be married, how to stay married. Unscientific proof: some of the people I graduated high school in 1973 with have been married for over 25 years. When I ask them how, some of them tell me that they had a good experience with their mothers and fathers. Divorce wasn't usually a part of their lives.
How can this trend be reversed? It isn't impossible but sure may be improbable. You have to have a good moral foundation. People need to marry for unconditional love, which will never be "put asunder." That also means they have to spend time before marriage, and without living together, to find out all of the reasons for marriage and all of the ways respect and selflessness are a part of a lifetime marriage. They have to learn what "growing together" means and be willing to accept that.
Kids need to have loving parents. Learning right from wrong is so important, and sounds so trivial, but many kids do things that they don't think is wrong. Where did they get this idea? Kids learn from their parents, so the respect between husband and wife needs to be prominent. The kids will internalize this, they will! And two of the most damaging emotions, anger and blame, need to be tempered and accountability put in its place. More people saying "I was wrong" will create an image in kids that they can be wrong, admit it, and learn from it. Self-esteem, hah! That isn't the problem. It is incredulous to me that elementary school playgrounds are being "kid-safed" because of the potential of liability. Geez, if your kid falls off the slide, what was he doing to fall off? Years ago, we learned from our experiences being a kid. Now kids learn that if they get hurt, their parents will sue. And some schools are introducing games that don't produce losing players. Wow, what rocket science is this? How is that sterile kid going to handle his first rejection, his first loss?
So, there you have it, random thoughts and make sense proposals. I know it isn't as simple as it seems, but listen to the premise. Accountability, respect, love, learn.
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I recalled a time when society, morality, the law, the government and the church were all in synch. It wasn't very long ago, and since I was born in the 50s, my childhood recollections are a bit dim personally, but I have been a student of history and love old movies, so though I am not professionally qualified, this is the internet and I can say anything I want. Whoa, sorry.
Think back to when everybody in your class at school strived to exceed, because if they slacked or joked in class, there was the principal's office, and then your parents to face. Were we all the same back then? Read on. Movies of the day had to contain a moral ending, or it couldn't be put in the theatres. Wrongdoing was punished, always. There was a celebration of marriage as being something you did before sex. And it was with one of the opposite sex. Respect was held for the policeman on the beat, the corner grocery man, the mailman, the milkman, and the banker. We knew they were not better than us, but they had positions of respect, in fact, all adults commanded that respect. That's why we were able to stay out all day, play in the woods, go to the store to buy penny candy, and not have to worry about evil people in the woods, food that wasn't good for you, and if you did something wrong, you paid for it, one way or another. That was accountability.
It is so important to realize how all these value systems co-existed as one, and that we were raised on good things that were reinforced in every thing we did, every person we met. Contrast this with today.
Society's morals include movies that are shown to children with language that would have gotten out mouths washed out with soap (now a liability for child abuse,) scenes of people "without their clothes on," and a celebration of people who don't ply the straight and narrow, and get away with crimes of all sorts. TV reinforces this, magazines talk about subjects that were only whispered in the bedroom of a married couple 50 years ago, and teachers are impotent to have any power of authority when parents justify their kids' bad behavior. Remember "in loco parentis," in place of the parent? The only similarity between this phrase, which had been what teachers were charged with a long time ago, and now is that teachers are sometimes called upon to watch the kids, or keep them in a place for six hours before day care picks them up.
There is much that has changed in the American life style, you might argue. Two working parents for the American dream, but isn't part of the dream your kids? And how much can two working parents spend with their kids. The jobs are more strenuous, more to do in less time, and, oh there are so many stories in the Naked City. And it is a slippery slope, my friends, when broadcast TV can now say the things that could only be allowed in R-rated moves just 20 years ago. Is viewing trash next, the visual equivalent of those seven words you couldn't (at one time) say on television? Why is the divorce rate so high? Here's one suggestion: we haven't had a good role model for marriage from our parents, or parent as it may be. So we don't know how to be married, how to stay married. Unscientific proof: some of the people I graduated high school in 1973 with have been married for over 25 years. When I ask them how, some of them tell me that they had a good experience with their mothers and fathers. Divorce wasn't usually a part of their lives.
How can this trend be reversed? It isn't impossible but sure may be improbable. You have to have a good moral foundation. People need to marry for unconditional love, which will never be "put asunder." That also means they have to spend time before marriage, and without living together, to find out all of the reasons for marriage and all of the ways respect and selflessness are a part of a lifetime marriage. They have to learn what "growing together" means and be willing to accept that.
Kids need to have loving parents. Learning right from wrong is so important, and sounds so trivial, but many kids do things that they don't think is wrong. Where did they get this idea? Kids learn from their parents, so the respect between husband and wife needs to be prominent. The kids will internalize this, they will! And two of the most damaging emotions, anger and blame, need to be tempered and accountability put in its place. More people saying "I was wrong" will create an image in kids that they can be wrong, admit it, and learn from it. Self-esteem, hah! That isn't the problem. It is incredulous to me that elementary school playgrounds are being "kid-safed" because of the potential of liability. Geez, if your kid falls off the slide, what was he doing to fall off? Years ago, we learned from our experiences being a kid. Now kids learn that if they get hurt, their parents will sue. And some schools are introducing games that don't produce losing players. Wow, what rocket science is this? How is that sterile kid going to handle his first rejection, his first loss?
So, there you have it, random thoughts and make sense proposals. I know it isn't as simple as it seems, but listen to the premise. Accountability, respect, love, learn.
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