Monday, December 29, 2003
Wednesday Night Fever
New Year's Eve. One night in the year that has bountiful significance to those who lead their time on the calendar, and live for the moment the ball drops, so that the jokes about "see you next year" will no longer be jokes, but true.
I remember so many New Year's Eve celebrations, with girlfriends, with friends (my best bud Joe was born on NYE,) and with Joann. Most of the years I spent with Joann were also spent at my in-law's house, a perfectly acceptable arrangement, with varied stuff to do and varied stuff to eat. For a while, it was watching the Three Stooges marathon, then they went away from NYE, then the "Crime Story" marathon, a great TV show, but the "Marathon" was only six episodes that my brother-in-law taped back in the eighties. I noticed that as time went on, we didn't even make it to midnight every year, almost bored with NYE, I think, and feeling better off in bed.
Now that this is the third NYE without Joann, it is the first that I am seem to be "datable-askable" for New Year's Eve. I am inclined to pursue the "home" strategy, that is, staying home, but it is interesting to me that I did receive more than one invite to a New Year's Eve party. Of course, there were friends, such as D, with which a good time would have been had (and not all of her guests were coupled,) but she lives in a far away land (and I'm sure D would agree,) and it doesn't seem practical to drive home from there late at night (although I've done that recently, with our reunion planning stuff.) Then there were women at my church who asked, one who was to host the party (with her fiance) and one who was asked to be a guest at someone else's party. Then there were three tentative emails from unattached friends asking the musical question, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?" Alas, I am not wont to accept any of these, this year.
I see NYE as a proper transition, and one I associate with a "crossing over" in my griefdom, that of spending another year without my sweetie. I am sufficiently advanced to separate the specific feeling that Joann should be by my side, but not quite there to picture someone else there. I don't know why this is so, and can only speculate that the transition of years should be unfettered and relaxed, and taken without regard for its past connotations. That takes work, spiritual mostly, to gain more of that "emotional health" I need to have. The loneliness that I face daily is overwhelming at times, and I know that I couldn't go through a substitute relationship again. So, New Year's Eve will have to wait.
I sat in church last night quiet except for the singing. The testimonies and scriptures read began to warm me up with His love. From Joshua 1:5, "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Yes, I know He will be with me wherever I go.
Isaiah 41:13: "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
I also recall the last singles conference and something Bruce Moore said to us at one of the sessions. He told us, in the context of "breaking out of denial" or something like that, he used 2nd Corinthians 7:10 as an example to handle sorrow in a Godly sense, not a worldly one. I may be overcautious then to think that I am not advancing in my grief cycle, but I have so much time to think unfortunately. What is Godly grief? Knowing that He is in control, and that it is only us who grieve, not those who are with Him, that's what I believe.
So, New Year's Eve, I will likely be home with my son, or perhaps at my in-laws house for a little while. My apologies to all who asked, perhaps next year. Let me not see the passage of the year as a watched clock, but as a means to sanctification, to emotional health, to service for Him.
On a lighter note, you all may know that I am from Cranston, Rhode Island, which has been getting its share of news from the labor and ACLU standpoints. Herewith, a Christmas song for Cranston, courtesy of my friend Todd.
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I remember so many New Year's Eve celebrations, with girlfriends, with friends (my best bud Joe was born on NYE,) and with Joann. Most of the years I spent with Joann were also spent at my in-law's house, a perfectly acceptable arrangement, with varied stuff to do and varied stuff to eat. For a while, it was watching the Three Stooges marathon, then they went away from NYE, then the "Crime Story" marathon, a great TV show, but the "Marathon" was only six episodes that my brother-in-law taped back in the eighties. I noticed that as time went on, we didn't even make it to midnight every year, almost bored with NYE, I think, and feeling better off in bed.
Now that this is the third NYE without Joann, it is the first that I am seem to be "datable-askable" for New Year's Eve. I am inclined to pursue the "home" strategy, that is, staying home, but it is interesting to me that I did receive more than one invite to a New Year's Eve party. Of course, there were friends, such as D, with which a good time would have been had (and not all of her guests were coupled,) but she lives in a far away land (and I'm sure D would agree,) and it doesn't seem practical to drive home from there late at night (although I've done that recently, with our reunion planning stuff.) Then there were women at my church who asked, one who was to host the party (with her fiance) and one who was asked to be a guest at someone else's party. Then there were three tentative emails from unattached friends asking the musical question, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?" Alas, I am not wont to accept any of these, this year.
I see NYE as a proper transition, and one I associate with a "crossing over" in my griefdom, that of spending another year without my sweetie. I am sufficiently advanced to separate the specific feeling that Joann should be by my side, but not quite there to picture someone else there. I don't know why this is so, and can only speculate that the transition of years should be unfettered and relaxed, and taken without regard for its past connotations. That takes work, spiritual mostly, to gain more of that "emotional health" I need to have. The loneliness that I face daily is overwhelming at times, and I know that I couldn't go through a substitute relationship again. So, New Year's Eve will have to wait.
I sat in church last night quiet except for the singing. The testimonies and scriptures read began to warm me up with His love. From Joshua 1:5, "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Yes, I know He will be with me wherever I go.
Isaiah 41:13: "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
I also recall the last singles conference and something Bruce Moore said to us at one of the sessions. He told us, in the context of "breaking out of denial" or something like that, he used 2nd Corinthians 7:10 as an example to handle sorrow in a Godly sense, not a worldly one. I may be overcautious then to think that I am not advancing in my grief cycle, but I have so much time to think unfortunately. What is Godly grief? Knowing that He is in control, and that it is only us who grieve, not those who are with Him, that's what I believe.
So, New Year's Eve, I will likely be home with my son, or perhaps at my in-laws house for a little while. My apologies to all who asked, perhaps next year. Let me not see the passage of the year as a watched clock, but as a means to sanctification, to emotional health, to service for Him.
On a lighter note, you all may know that I am from Cranston, Rhode Island, which has been getting its share of news from the labor and ACLU standpoints. Herewith, a Christmas song for Cranston, courtesy of my friend Todd.
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