Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Here we are, on the final day of the second year of the 20th millenium, or is it the 21st? A matter for semantics, I think. But you know what date it is, even if you have to scroll down to see when it was posted. How do we look back on this year?
For me, it was one of distinct revelations in my life, that which without the Supreme Maker, would have left me battle-scared and helpless. Coming off the year I lost Joann, my focus was on the single parent role, and with working and building my relationship back with my son, would have been enough, but grief has a way of throwing you off track and making you think that things are the worst all over again.
I was able to take some time to drive California's coast highway, visit friends in New York, to troll train-sites in Pennsylvania, and reunite with my mother in Colorado. The spring brought thoughts of the summer and how my childcare needs would be met: prayers were answered by me getting laid off in July. I was determined that it was the best thing for me, and grow the time with my son. So, the summer passed in a blur of summer camps and travel, with little job hunting. All the while, reminders of my second year popped in and out of my head, a second year without my dearly beloved.
August's trip to Colorado was at a time where the date of Joann's death was plumb smack in the middle of the week there. But, spending the day driving endlessly toward Durango took my mind off the date and instead, filled my heads with "when are we going to get there?" I must say that the week did turn out exceedingly pleasant and was loaded with new memories for Andy and me.
September came and the urgency of finding work became apparent, but it was not to be so urgent with the job market crawling with IT applicants from more companies using the rule, lay off when you need to save cash. That didn't save my former company, Genuity, as it marched toward Chapter 11 and certain dismantling of its businesses, except for the core transport which will be bought by a competitor, Level 3.
October brought one of those "turns" in my life with the Singles Conference at the Word of Life. I finally took the steps in my mind of becoming a single person. But the mere realization of that significant turn isn't enough, as aloneness became more evident; a single who is alone. I knew then that I was not a complete person again, but one that needs to be one while satisfying my core responsibilities as a father.
The holidays were melancholic, and I should have recalled the posts on Widownet that spoke of the second year and its mysterious ability to seem worse with grief than the first. Why, God, I asked. He replied, You need to trust me more with everything. Oh boy. The world is getting along just fine and I'm not.
I am thankful for many things this year, despite the lows in my life. The people have been the highs, and I am thankful for the friends I have and new ones I've made. You all are not aware of the one gift you've given me, that of sensible adult conversation! That in itself is also why I know that the time is getting along with my journey. The company, the conversation, the caring, the warmth, the sensitivity are all things I miss in my marriage, but can enjoy, in seemingly quick spurts, with friends I am dearly thankful for.
What will the future hold in 2003? Well, working may well be a priority, but I need to be open to wherever it is. Other than that, I do not look beyond today for anything. I hope my web site continues to grow and be a beacon for some. I do hope I can continue to write and be published. And I hope that I can be used for anything that God wants.
So, to the tune of "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve," here is my final blog for 2002.
Good night and good news!
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For me, it was one of distinct revelations in my life, that which without the Supreme Maker, would have left me battle-scared and helpless. Coming off the year I lost Joann, my focus was on the single parent role, and with working and building my relationship back with my son, would have been enough, but grief has a way of throwing you off track and making you think that things are the worst all over again.
I was able to take some time to drive California's coast highway, visit friends in New York, to troll train-sites in Pennsylvania, and reunite with my mother in Colorado. The spring brought thoughts of the summer and how my childcare needs would be met: prayers were answered by me getting laid off in July. I was determined that it was the best thing for me, and grow the time with my son. So, the summer passed in a blur of summer camps and travel, with little job hunting. All the while, reminders of my second year popped in and out of my head, a second year without my dearly beloved.
August's trip to Colorado was at a time where the date of Joann's death was plumb smack in the middle of the week there. But, spending the day driving endlessly toward Durango took my mind off the date and instead, filled my heads with "when are we going to get there?" I must say that the week did turn out exceedingly pleasant and was loaded with new memories for Andy and me.
September came and the urgency of finding work became apparent, but it was not to be so urgent with the job market crawling with IT applicants from more companies using the rule, lay off when you need to save cash. That didn't save my former company, Genuity, as it marched toward Chapter 11 and certain dismantling of its businesses, except for the core transport which will be bought by a competitor, Level 3.
October brought one of those "turns" in my life with the Singles Conference at the Word of Life. I finally took the steps in my mind of becoming a single person. But the mere realization of that significant turn isn't enough, as aloneness became more evident; a single who is alone. I knew then that I was not a complete person again, but one that needs to be one while satisfying my core responsibilities as a father.
The holidays were melancholic, and I should have recalled the posts on Widownet that spoke of the second year and its mysterious ability to seem worse with grief than the first. Why, God, I asked. He replied, You need to trust me more with everything. Oh boy. The world is getting along just fine and I'm not.
I am thankful for many things this year, despite the lows in my life. The people have been the highs, and I am thankful for the friends I have and new ones I've made. You all are not aware of the one gift you've given me, that of sensible adult conversation! That in itself is also why I know that the time is getting along with my journey. The company, the conversation, the caring, the warmth, the sensitivity are all things I miss in my marriage, but can enjoy, in seemingly quick spurts, with friends I am dearly thankful for.
What will the future hold in 2003? Well, working may well be a priority, but I need to be open to wherever it is. Other than that, I do not look beyond today for anything. I hope my web site continues to grow and be a beacon for some. I do hope I can continue to write and be published. And I hope that I can be used for anything that God wants.
So, to the tune of "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve," here is my final blog for 2002.
Good night and good news!
|
