Today is Friday, November 8, 2002 and this is the news.

A personal story today, and I hope you'll indulge my thoughts and understand that this is a bit difficult to write. Some friends have asked about "the Epilogue" on my biography pages, and wondered what or when that will come out. I've been thinking about that for a while, and wanted to frame these thoughts. First, in conventional literature or theatre, the epilogue implies the "rest of the story" after the ending. I wonder then, why I chose the word to close the bio, or if it implies an end to something. As an end to something, perhaps it is the life that I lived with Joann, a wonderful life and one that we thought would never end. I don't want to get maudlin here, but for a long while after she died, I kept thinking in the vein of a lifelong relationship, because grief tied me there. It was in the framework of our vows that we stood facing each other, eyes locked on each other's as we carefully said those words, "Till death do us part." Neither of us could grasp the gravity of that, and it was easy to honor the others, but please, not that. I don't want to get into a match between those whose spouses died suddenly, or after a long illness. We all feel the same the hour after the final breath. And for a long time afterward, I felt like I was holding my breath. And when God roused me and basically told me, "I have not left you, but you sure are doing a good job of ignoring me," I prayed that He would bless me, as I didn't know what to ask. And things, events, people started happening in my life and shining a light back into it.

Being a Christian, I know where Joann is, that is an assurance given to us by God in the Bible, Matthew 11:28-29 says, "Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you shall find rest for your souls." Matthew 5:4 says, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Why with the head knowledge I posess about the Lord and His Providence and grace, do I not accept that and move along. It's not that simple. Twenty years of marriage cannot disappear overnight. The deepest of emotions, the love between husband and wife do not come out and dry up. Love is forever, and I will love Joann forever. So, is an epilogue a good place to start? Start what?

It must be a new life, as a person who is saved by the grace of God begins a new life. Change is naturally resisted, until they become overwhelming to a sensitive person. A change in job, in location, in relationships, all of this cries out for a new plan, a new creed, a new life. Nothing will ever be the same again. How will I face this new life? Do I acknowledge the "epilogue" to the past twenty years and begin a new story? How can I?

First, I need to recognize that my aloneness is not due to my wife dying. It is a result of my singleness, which until a few weeks ago, was very hard to acknowledge. I hated the thought of being single, being a single parent, making decisions alone, no one to talk "adult" talk, not having a warm body to snuggle against and confide my thoughts. What was it that changed my attitude? It was being in the company of single people, people who loved the Lord and, seemingly liked their lives. I didn't like my life very much, and these people really had fun and really honored God. And you know, I could identify with them, me, stuck in a holding pattern, could now say, "I am single." Now what?

The seminars at the conference taught me a lot about how God saw my life and what I couldn't see. I learned that He wants us to fulfill His obligations that is put on us. He wants us to "shuck off the armor," and go out to face the world as ourselves, not in the guise of anyone else. And He wants us to know that He loves us, in spite of anything we can do or think to the contrary. Proverbs 15:13 says, "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken." Oh how I felt that, and now desire that cheerful face and restore my spirit.

The next few weeks will be a test of that faith, when I go to job interviews far from home, and pray for all the unknowns that I cannot burden myself with. My obligations is to my family, my son, and the difficult time he will go through if we need to move. And I need to see the future as one that is laid out by God, when I acknowledge Him and make decisions in concert with His leading. But if you see me on the street and I look a bit overwhelmed, stop me and tell me that God has it all under control.

It would be easy to escape from all of this by pulling up the covers in the morning and hiding. I am determined not to do that, but to ask Him to guide my every thought and action in this post-Epilogue world. If you are struggling, join with me in knowing that God has it all under control.